Transcript
EPISODE 38. When Burnout Is Real: Perfectionism and Learning to Rest
Introduction to the Play Big Queen Podcast
Welcome to the Play Big Queen podcast.
This is for the woman ready to lead with power, move with confidence, and own your Play Big self.
For my newly minted or late blooming, neurospicy visionary babes who are waking up to your power and unmasking your brilliance.
For the sovereign leader building success on your own terms.
I am your host, Kate Bailey.
I am the Play Big Queen.
My name is my title and a command for all women, Play Big Queen.
I invite you to claim this title for yourself and coronate your Play Big Self too, so it can serve you.
This is a space for bold embodiment, radical reclamation, unapologetic leadership, and a business that works with your wiring, not against it.
Your voice is meant to be bold and heard and your brilliance is here to be claimed.
You are already powerful.
I am in service of everyone fucking tired of the people pleasing grind.
We go deep, we get real, and we play big.
It's a new era for women on the Play Big path.
Long may we reign.
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Hi, my Play Big family.
Welcome to another week of the Play Big Queen podcast.
Now, typically, I let the subject of my podcast episode come to me intuitively on a weekly basis.
Sometimes I will cross-check my intuition with Google Trends just to see what people are talking about in the world of business, entrepreneurship, neurodiversity, social empowerment, and social justice.
For example, this week, there was an uptick in searches about automation.
And in Indiana, of all places, there was a spike in people searching the meaning and definition of the word neurodiversity, probably because of all the talk about autism spectrum disorders and Tylenol, which for obvious reasons also saw a search spike.
And while I did post on my Facebook page before and after our pompous entitled
man baby of a President said the most scientifically inaccurate eugenic statements about autism on a global stage last week…
I already did a podcast episode back in April, episode number 15, about RFK and autism and eugenics. And honestly, what I said then still holds water today.
But for this week, I didn’t want to go into all of that. I wanted to take a moment and just be human with you.
Because yes, it is absolutely important to address social issues, there’s no such thing as women’s empowerment, social empowerment without social justice. And yes, it is important to keep speaking up.
But sometimes your autistic and neurodivergent friends, we are not okay. Sometimes we are just tired. And that is exactly what this current administration wants.
So at the tail end of this week, I took some time to just be a human.
And here, I get to share a little bit about my reality with life and school right now.
More specifically, how my accelerated accounting class is kicking my fucking ass.
Seven weeks is not enough time for me to memorize everything I need to memorize in order to get a decent grade in this class. My brain does not work like that. I take longer to process and synthesize information in order to actually learn.
And the funny thing is, I actually really like accounting. I love how direct it is, financial data feels so neutral and insightful, and I’d probably be really good at it if I had more time. And also, it’s totally okay to not be great at everything.
For the first time since I’ve been going back to college, I probably won’t get an A or better. And as someone who has always either had all A’s or all F’s depending on accommodations and whether or not I had access, this is new for me.
And maybe you can relate, but when I was a kid, school was the place that I loved the most
and the place that I hurt the most too. I loved information, pattern recognition, structure, mastery, but if I got anything less than an A, I had a full on meltdown.
My mom would tell me it’s okay, but it did not feel okay in my body.
And I think that’s what a lot of people don’t get about being autistic and ADHD.
And this is what I wish more coaches knew about their neurodivergent clients so they could support and affirm them instead of invalidating them as being difficult or perfectionist because it is a nuanced coaching skill that not every coach has developed.
It’s not about being a ‘brat’ or being ‘dramatic’ or ‘spoiled.’ It’s about how our neurology processes expectations, emotion, and self-worth.
And that is a big part of the reason why the work of deconditioning our smallness is more than just somatically shaking off society’s wrong messages. Because for many of us, those messages were the baseline from our very first breath. For us, black and white thinking means getting an A feels safe, but getting a B feels like a total failure.
Perfectionism comes from internal pressure and years of trying to prove in a neurotypical society that we can keep up. And it also comes from being challenged and actually learning how to figure out the difference between being a precisionist and being a perfectionist.
Here’s the thing, perfectionism and precisionism get tangled up, but they are not the same thing.
A perfectionist feels unsafe unless everything is flawless.
A precisionist, on the other hand, notices details, sees patterns, and delivers excellence, not because they’re terrified of mistakes, but because that is their gift.
And if you experience perfectionism, it is nothing to feel shame about, it’s just information.
Part of my coaching modality includes looking at the function of what we could consider our shadow behaviors. Those are the behaviors that we feel bring us shame, that we shrink into our smallness when somebody calls them out or brings attention to them.
Perfectionism, when it comes down to it, is really about survival and self-worth.
Precision, on the other hand, is more about expressing your brilliance.
And noticing that difference in your abilities versus challenges and conditioning is absolutely life and game changing.
Because when you’re wired this way, fear of consequences can make even small mistakes feel unbearable.
Emotional regulation differences make disappointment feel so much more intense and last so much longer.
Getting good grades or getting good performance reviews at work can feel like the only control or stability you have in a world that is so unpredictable and currently unstable.
And proving that you’re smart in a society that constantly signals that you’re incompetent can feel like safety and relief.
That’s the real difference.
Reclaiming and owning your precisionist abilities honors your brilliance.
Perfectionism keeps you stuck in survival mode and burnt the fuck out.
So in the spirit of ditching perfectionism, I took my midterm and I got a 75 because my instructor forgot to give me my extended time accommodation. Granted, I’m already struggling in this class, but that was really the straw that broke the camel’s back with this test. I rushed and I didn’t have time to fully process every question I was reading. My brain kept reversing numbers and I didn’t have time to sort out the information. I felt like really lost.
And eventually I just fucking picked an answer.
And you know what? It’s fine. I did not die.
One of my coaching goals right now with my own success coaches is actually to not get an A and to just notice how that feels. And this midterm helped me meet that goal.
When I reflect on it, it felt more neutral than I thought it would.
It’s a very different experience now than when I was younger.
But you would think that it would be a different experience now because we’re older.
But it’s a different experience now because I have tools and accommodations and access, right? because now I have audiobooks. I have tutors, I have a success coach, I have screen reader technology, I have friends to process my emotions with, my worth is intact, my self-trust is rock solid, and my learning and progress and growth are so very real.
But there is something that is so important to remember on this journey, and it’s something that I’ve been reminded of this week that I wanna share with you.
Even when things are quote unquote fine, burnout still creeps in even when you’re looking and working to actively avoid burnout, especially if you’re neurodivergent in a neurotypical world.
Our capacities, they shift.
Sometimes without us even noticing, our capacity shifts into a new season and suddenly we are running on empty.
And in full transparency, that has been me lately.
I had to go back on antibiotics. Everything I’ve been doing, to work all the tools and show up in the way that I wanted to show up for school, it just started catching up with me.
And all along the way, I’ve been taking my pleasure breaks. I’ve been doing self care. I’ve been doing meal prep. I’ve been making sure my tank is full.
But then all of a sudden things shift and I find myself feeling burnt out.
So after the midterm, I decided that I wanted to celebrate. I wanted to celebrate getting a 75. So I went to this local women’s empowerment event that was put on by the local hospital and I was really excited to go. I had donated a package of three Play Big Queen coaching sessions as a door prize that one woman could win.
And they had bottles of Moscato on the tables and the event was called Boots and Bouquets and every centerpiece was like this Western style boot from a woman that was at the event um… it might be like a rodeo queen or someone who is actually a cowgirl and inside the boots they stuff these bouquets of flowers.
And we got to go and get updates about how the medical center supports women and women’s health and community. And we got to hear people’s stories and listen to a female comedian.
And listen, I do not drink often, probably like a couple times a year, but I thought, you know what? I want to celebrate my midterm being over. I want to celebrate my 75 and it feels aligned to indulge.
I’m present to my feelings around my grades in school. I’m processing them in other ways, like talking and working out and letting my inner 10 year old throw a tantrum when she needs to. I’m acknowledging her, giving her space…
Except… drinking at this event turned into three or four glasses because I actually forgot how much I actually like the taste of a sweeter wine like a Moscato or Riesling. Like if I do drink, it’s usually like a smoky Cabernet or some sort of sweet wine. And the Moscato wasn’t anything out of this world, but it was the Cupcake brand Moscato snd I had that at my wedding and so the taste of it kind of like generated a little nostalgia in my body, which is also a very rare experience for me because I don’t tend to get nostalgic. I’m like very future focused. My memory doesn’t hold onto a lot of things in the past.
And in the process of like enjoying myself, I just genuinely forgot how low my tolerance is because I drink again, maybe two or three times a year.
So suddenly I’m tired. And at first I think, okay, I can still drive home. I’m just tired. But then I’m like, whoa, okay, no. hahaha Let’s be real. I am unexpectedly hammered. And I was just so not okay to drive.
So I did the most responsible thing I could do in that moment. And I called my husband, Tony, and I said, “babe, I accidentally got hammered at this women’s empowerment event, and I need you to come pick me up.” And he did. And it was so good to see him. It was so good to just like depend on somebody for a moment and kind of surrender.
And it was also something that just felt like very clean, you know? Was I drinking to drown my stress? No, like that’s not how I process emotions. It’s never how I processed emotions. I have plenty of other tools for that. I mean, I’m more likely the type of person to like drink a bunch of diet soda and caffeine and try to get everything done than I am like to take a downer or drink…
but I had plenty of other tools for processing emotions, like working out, jumping rope, talking it through, everything I said before.
I really was just celebrating. And I was just like happy to be out and surrounded by women who are so devoted to empowerment.
And I was letting myself fully exhale after just like holding so much tension. And sometimes when you let yourself relax, you accidentally overshoot.
And it happens, you know, like we’re not perfect.
And in that moment, I got to be so human.
It was messy and in hindsight, it was actually really very funny.
I accidentally celebrated too much.
I needed help. I asked for it.
And I just let myself be cared for without judging myself.
And now, I’ll probably have my next drink on New Year’s Eve, 2026, going into 2027… and you know, that’s the bigger picture.
Whether it is grades, your business launches, relationships, gearing up for a promotion or a big presentation or something you really want, I want you to hear me -
Perfectionism is not the goal.
Being human is.
And for those of us who are wired like this, neurodivergent, maybe with an invisible disability or maybe a disability or a mental health challenge…
Support, compassion, and inclusion matter so much more than whether people see us as flawless.
I still love learning.
I still love challenges.
I still rise to challenges and bring my brilliance with me.
But every day I am practicing being human and unmasking in new ways and remembering that that practice, that practice of being human is more important than being perfect.
And I want you to remember that too.
You can be brilliant.
You can own your giftedness and abilities.
You can be an unapologetic precisionist, a creatrix of the highest order, you can be brilliant and you can be messy and you can do it without burning out.
And if you accidentally burn out, because our neurodivergent bodies are this constantly shifting landscape, if you accidentally burn out, go easy on yourself.
You get to get the support you deserve.
Call your energy back to yourself,
and get back in the game.
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Outro 1
That's it for today, Queen.
Take what lit you up, leave what didn't.
You know what serves.
If you want to stay in this Play Big Queen orbit, get the rituals, resources, and real talk that fuels your Play Big self, go to xxxkatebailey.com, scroll to the bottom, and join this community.
This is where bold women gather. Neurodivergent visionaries, disability warriors, sacred disruptors.
If this episode spoke to you, leave a review on Spotify, Apple, or YouTube.
Leave comments, give me all the stars, share it.
That's how we create change that ripples, and how this podcast gets out to more people who need it.
If you're ready to work together to make your play big self not just a vision, but a reality that you embody, then head to xxxkatebailey.com, go to the work with Kate section, and join in on a program
that feels right for you.
Or tag me on socials and tell me a moment that truly served you from this episode.
Until next time, remember to honor your own timing, value your own unique way.
And most of all, when you come face to face with your boldest desires, trust your brilliance and Play Big Queen.
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Outro 2
Hey, queen, are you still here?
Good.
That means you're not just curious.
You are being called and want more.
I am here for the ones who want more than party trick mindset hacks.
The ones who need nervous system rooted, neurodiverse affirming space held by someone who is trauma trained, so they can rise on their terms.
My work is designed to center folks navigating ADHD, autism, disability, trauma, or mental health challenges and their brilliance all at once.
You do not need to be someone who identifies as neurodivergent or someone who has a disability to benefit from this work.
If you're feeling called, you belong here.
I believe in and support queer and trans rights, Black Lives Matter, sex worker rights, Palestinian, Ukrainian, and global self-liberation, religious autonomy, and dismantling abusive systems.
If that's too much for you, then babe, this isn't your podcast and you know where the unfollow is.
But if that lights a fire within you and you are inspired to learn more, then my Play Big Queen, you are home.
You can also head over to xxxkatebailey.com/about to learn more about me, my company,
qualifications, methodology, values, worldviews, philosophies, and my mission.
My mission is to activate 10,000 women with invisible disabilities to lead, create, speak up, and claim the spaces that they were told to shrink inside.
Because their leadership, your leadership, will change the world.
If you know that's you, declare it.
Put your energetic line in the sand and tell me.
Email me at [email protected] and tell me why this work is so important for you and we can explore opportunities to work together and make your Play Big dreams a reality.
