Transcript
Episode 34:
Welcome. You are listening to the Play Big Queen podcast.
This is for you if you are a woman who is an entrepreneur, business owner, professional, leader, or someone who is deeply committed to personal growth, self-improvement, transformation, and living authentically.
This is especially for you if you have an invisible disability, whether you are diagnosed, undiagnosed, self-diagnosed, or late diagnosed, and you are working on reclaiming your neurodivergent identity, rebuilding confidence, learning what works for your unique brilliance while breaking free from small, people-pleasing conditioning.
If you are a visionary change maker interested in advancing your leadership and creating success on your terms, and you want to leave a legacy, if you are navigating disability or neurodiversity as an individual or as an ally, and you are looking for a supportive and inclusive environment to thrive, then this is for you.
I am your hostess, Kate Bailey.
I am the Play Big Queen.
My name is my title and a command for all women.
Play Big, Queen.
I invite you to claim this title for yourself and coronate your Play Big self too, if it serves you.
I am a business and embodiment mentor working with women who are ready to rise the fuck up and be your bold, beautiful sexy-ass self, start and grow your big bold vision and claim that you too get to have your boldest desires.
I am the creatrix of Kate Bailey LLC, which provides coaching services, educational courses, products and experiences that promote success in neurodiversity advocacy, women's empowerment, embodiment, entrepreneurship and business to serve women on their transformational journey.
To learn more about my company offerings and to get on my email list, go to xxxkatebailey.com. I
f you would like to learn more about my work, my personal values, my mission and my community, make sure you catch the last five minutes of this episode to go deeper and learn so much more.
On this podcast, sometimes we will have guests, sometimes I'll do solo episodes, but every single time you listen, you will expand.
So get ready.
It's a new era for women on the PlayBig path.
Long may we reign.
--
Welcome back queens to another episode of the Play Big Queen podcast.
It is Labor Day and I don't want to talk about freaking mattress sales or barbecues, although I love me a good barbecue, but I want to talk about labor. The raw, unpaid, unseen kind of labor that women, especially neurodivergent women and women with invisible disabilities carry every single day.
But first, really quick, I want to ground us into this moment of where this concept of Labor Day all started and give us like a little bit of education here.
So Labor Day was not created for leisure. It wasn't just like people tired of laboring wanting a day off. Labor Day was born out of struggle. It was born out of resistance, out of the blood, sweat and fire of workers who demanded dignity.
And this feels particularly important for me to share as the great-grandniece of Ed Reulbach.
If you don't know, Big Ed Reulbach was a pro baseball player. He lived from 1882 to 1961.
And so a little history here, like my maiden name is Reulbach and it means Royal River. And my great-uncle was a major league baseball pitcher for the Brooklyn Dodgers and the Chicago Cubs.
And they all called him Big Ed and he was a pitcher. And he was the only person in all baseball history to have pitched two shutouts on the same day. His eyesight was also so poor that he had his catchers use white painted gloves to accommodate his eyesight while pitching. So he had a disability with his vision. He was also an engineer and finished college, which was so rare for baseball players. And this is very important.
My great uncle was a disruptor in the sport of baseball as the main ringleader in a movement to raise salaries, which was celebrated by his teammates. But this position that he took as a disruptor ultimately upset the higher ups and he was phased out of the sport.
And now he's considered one of the most overlooked players of all time.
I've shared before there's a lot of divine poetry around the words play and the word big and my life's work for me. I feel really backed by my ancestors.
And the word queen is like a nod to the royalty in me as well that recognizes the royalty in each of us and our brilliance, not in the imperial sense per se, but the archetype work.
And now I feel it's really important to share that like in 1882, the same year my great uncle, Big Ed Reulbach was born, was the very first Labor Day Parade.
And the parade was in New York City, and it was organized by the Central Labor Union. Tens of thousands of workers showed up, and they weren't there just for fun. They were there to demand fairer wages, shorter hours, and safer conditions. They were there to say, labor has value.
And then later on in 1894, when my great uncle was 12, after the violent Pullman strike shook the country, President Grover Cleveland signed Labor Day into law.
And this wasn't out of generosity. This was to mend ties with organized labor after workers had been brutalized for daring to demand their humanity.
And I think it's really relevant to understand my life's work and my great uncle's work as disruptors in creating and standing for a life where you are valued for the work that you contribute.
I mean, this is one of the biggest reasons why I initially left working in EMS. I love the community. I was great at it. I was excelling quickly. And yes, I did want to leave and start my coaching business, but like I always thought I could do EMS alongside of it.
But the main reason I left is because EMS has severe issues with pay parity. You can have paramedics on the job who are literally saving a child's life and then on food stamps. It makes no damn sense.
And so while Labor Day today is known about barbecues and cookouts and weekend gatherings and getting a day off of work, I think it's really important that when we talk about Labor Day, that we do not forget it came from struggle.
It came from workers saying enough is enough.
And that is exactly what I want to invite you into today because there is still labor going unpaid, unseen, and unacknowledged. And most of this labor is the labor of women.
The labor of marginalized women, the labor of neurodivergent women, the labor of women with invisible disabilities who are bleeding energy into a system that does not recognize them.
So I want this episode to meet you where you are at, but also to be a Labor Day reset.
And in order to reset something, we have to start with naming what we've been carrying.
So when I say labor, I want to specify that I'm not just talking about the labor you do to get a paycheck. I'm talking about all the invisible labor as well. All the unseen energy it takes to move through the world.
And especially as women, we're used to taking on so much extra labor. We are so steeped in it. It's like a fish trying to see the water it swims in or you trying to see the air that you breathe in.
And there are so many different kinds of labor.
I want to share some of those with you so we can start to become aware of the invisible extra labor that we take on that is not really ours to do.
And so we can start creating boundaries and start freeing up our time and capacity to be in our zone of genius, to be in our brilliance, to be in our leadership, which is what the world desperately needs more of right now.
So let's talk about some of the different types of labor, right?
There's emotional labor. This is where you are managing moods, you are soothing conflict, you are keeping the peace at work and keeping the peace at home even when your own system is not peaceful or frankly on fire some days.
Then there is cognitive labor where you are the project manager of your household, your team, your friendships. You remember birthdays and groceries and school forms and deadlines, not because you want to, but because if you don't, no one else will do this labor.
Then there's workplace labor. You write the meeting notes, you re-explain the assignments, you polish every single email so you won't be misread. That is all extra labor.
There is also the labor of masking. Masking labor is something that neurodivergent women know very well. You spend your energy suppressing stims, rehearsing words in your head, regulating tone, forcing eye contact, holding yourself in a box so others can feel comfortable.
A lot of the time we can gaslight ourselves into thinking that masking is perfectionism when we're trying to literally look and play the part of someone who is neurotypical just so other people can feel comfortable. That is unpaid labor.
You getting uncomfortable and doing work so other people don't have to be uncomfortable is masking labor.
Then there's advocacy labor.
I have so many friends in the social justice space that are like deep in this type of labor, myself included, right? Women with invisible disabilities, we spend hours educating others.
Sometimes we're emailing HR about accommodations. We are explaining again and again, just in order to get access or to participate, just in order to not be misinterpreted.
That is labor that no one sees and it costs us so greatly.
If we don't do advocacy labor, we lose access, we don't get included. And when we do do it, it depletes our reserve so much because we are doing the work that the system isn't designed to do to actually include us or give us access.
And then I know a lot of women can relate to this,
care labor.
And you know the most fucked up part about it is, society doesn't even call it labor.
Society will call it being a good woman or a good mother, a good employee, a good partner, essentially being a good girl.
And this is where we get steeped in conditioning around people pleasing, right?
Because this is work, this is draining and it often keeps you from your brilliance, your creativity, your sovereignty. It keeps you so busy in energetic survival mode that it makes it really hard to step into self-actualization.
I wanna talk about now why women and women with disabilities or invisible disabilities end up caring so much more.
This isn't to throw a pity party.
This isn't to victimize us.
It is to shed light on and bring awareness to the things that we unconsciously wind up laboring at simply because we are systemically conditioned to labor more than others.
So first with masking, every choice to appear quote unquote normal is energy that you do not get back. Pretending not to be overwhelmed by lights or by noise, pretending to follow along when your brain processes differently, pretending to just like nod and understand when you don't, pretending you're fine when you're actually at capacity. That's labor.
That is the labor of masking.
And if you're still listening this far, I'm guessing you know that extra tension and stress that I'm talking about. It can be very physical sometimes. It's like literally holding yourself up and your eyes open while somebody drones on in a conversation that you just do not care about, cannot follow because you literally do not have the brain chemistry to pony up any more energy to give a fuck, but yet you are still there masking, pretending everything is fine and that you want to listen.
That is a kind of labor coming from a deep place of survival.
And again, I've shared in other episodes, there are absolutely benefits to masking that have kept neurodivergent and disabled people alive in many cases.
But when we're unconscious of how often we're doing it and we're using precious energy in the process, we need to take a moment and look at the labor that we are doing that might even be invisible to us.
So second, over-functioning. Many of us over give to prove that we are not lazy, that we are not unreliable. And I know my marginalized communities can really feel this one as well, right? Over delivering, staying late, taking on more than anyone else, not because you want to, but because you are terrified of being dismissed.
Or maybe you are working so hard to undo stereotypes that literally make you unsafe on a day-to-day basis that were never yours to undo to begin with.
A third reason why women with disabilities and invisible disabilities wind up carrying so much more invisible labor is our hyper awareness.
Our brains pick up on what other people's brains miss. The tension in the room, the deadline that nobody's talking about, the emotional needs that are always humming under the surface, the avalanche of sensory information that we are processing.
We become like the thermostat for everyone else's comfort and that is a form of labor that is just heartbreaking.
And then fourth, have advocacy fatigue, fighting for accommodations, explaining your needs again and again, doing the unpaid job of educating everyone around you about accessibility. It is exhausting.
I cannot tell you how many times I have to do this for school. I've had the same accommodations from my therapist since I was diagnosed. Untimed tests, flexible deadlines, alternate formats, captions and audio. And still, every single session, not every semester, every session, I have to resubmit the paperwork. I have to make sure that they read it and understood it. I have to make sure that the professor understands how my accommodations fit in during technology like lockdown respond as browser where I'm not supposed to have access to any other programs while I'm taking my midterm exam, for example, and not all the teachers are educated on it, right?
This is exhausting. This causes so much advocacy fatigue that other students don't have to endure this type of labor.
And then fifth, there's also the labor of navigating the fear of being misunderstood because we've been called over and over again, too much, too sensitive, too intense. We've been called too complicated. We've been called incompetent.
And one of my personal favorite, crazy.
I mean, I think that's the first neurodivergent slur that I was called when I was younger was crazy.
And so we take on more just to prove that we are enough, just to try to be understood in some way.
And this is not sustainable. This is not neutral. This is depletion disguised as a duty to show up. And I am here to tell you that you do not have to keep carrying all this extra labor.
There are some places where it will be unavoidable and you can learn to care for yourself in the moments where it is unavoidable. And then there are other times where you actually get to put it down.
So how do we put it down?
How do we begin shifting away from doing all this extra unpaid labor, right?
Step one for anything when it comes to transformation or making a change or reclaiming something is awareness. Awareness always leads to behavior change.
And the more intentional we are with our awareness, the quicker we get to change, right?
So step one, awareness.
And I call this type of awareness for invisible labor, the labor audit.
Here's how we do it.
First, we're just gonna notice things. For one day, track everything that you do. Not just tasks, but like the emotional and cognitive load. Even if you type it in a note or write it down. Maybe you want to make a voice note, but just like check in with yourself and see like...
Did you soften your tone in an email that you wrote to somebody?
That would be labor.
Did you remind your partner about their dentist appointment?
That's labor.
I mean, you're not their hired secretary, right?
You're not their mother. You're the lover.
So like doing those types of things, that's labor.
And like it's okay to do that labor if you're consciously exchanging labor with your partner, right? But like if you just do it with the assumption that you should and nobody's questioning it and it's taking time away from things you need to do for yourself. Like if you're booking all their dentist appointments and you haven't been to the dentist in three years, that's a good sign that it's labor that you do not need to be doing, right?
Especially for my fellow people with autism, like notice like did you calm yourself down so you wouldn't stim in public like that is labor too.
If I have to take an extra trip to the bathroom so I can flap my hands without somebody calling me a slur, then that's labor.
I have to go out of my way to go to the bathroom to do something that I could so clearly do in public to regulate my energy right.
Write it all down.
Just notice everything that you're doing and modifying when it comes to your work, your labor, your behavior, and just write it all down and notice it at first.
Next step in the labor audit is to name it.
Whose responsibility is this actually?
Like whose side of the street is this?
Did you take it on because it's actually yours or did you do it because the world trained you or conditioned you to hold it?
But actually name it.
Ask yourself, is this mine?
Or is this theirs?
And then the next step in the labor audit is to value it.
If you were paid $500 an hour, would you keep doing it?
Put a value on it and see how you engage with it once you put a value on it.
And ask yourself too, like what would you stop immediately?
I say this over and over again, one of my favorite quotes is the relationship with yourselves is the basis for every other relationship. If you don't value or see your labor, no one else is going to. It truly starts with you making this conscious.
And then lastly, in your labor audit, decide.
So here's where I make like three columns and three lists.
And I make decisions about the invisible labor that I am doing.
What labor do I want to stop?
What do I want to share?
and what do I want to sustain?
So three columns: stop, share, sustain.
So in the stop column, I'm just going to go down and look at like the audit that I did and I'm going to ask myself, what do I want to release? What do I just want to stop doing?
And in the second column for share, I'm going to ask myself, what do I need to delegate or redistribute? Is there a task that I can give to somebody else? Is there something I'm taking on that's not really mine and I need to talk with somebody and have them take the task on?
And you know, this can be a little scary, especially if you're deep in people pleasing conditioning, but just know that in healthy relationships especially, when you ask somebody to do something that's already theirs to do or to share labor with you, it feels good for people to give that to you.
I know, especially as women, we're typically very good at being givers. Sometimes we struggle on the receiving end, but I want you to think about some time when you have given something to somebody and it felt good. You get to allow people the supreme pleasure of giving their energy or time to you. You get to allow people to labor for you as much as you labor for them.
And then the third column is where you decide what you are going to sustain, what you consciously choose because it actually nourishes you or aligns with your values.
So when we talk about the labor of care, right? Say you're caring for children, maybe you decide to pick them up from school all the time because it aligns with your values around spending time with them. Or maybe you consciously choose to not want to pick them up anymore and have your partner do it or somebody you trust if that's available to you because you value giving your best energy to your kids, right?
However you want to slice it, you get to decide what you want to consciously choose because it's a type of labor that actually sustains you.
You know, like we go to the gym because exercising and circulating blood in our bodies sustains our health. Being alive is work. There's labor involved in everything you do, but not all work is created equal and not all work is sustainable.
So look over your audit and see kind of what you notice and just like keep in mind, like the audit, it's not just about time, it's about energy. It's about sovereignty. It's about naming where you are leaking life force energy into tasks that don't actually belong to you.
And then the next step after doing the invisible labor audit is after you see it, you gotta set some boundaries because boundaries, if you don't have the language for it, might be intimidating, but they are not walls. They are not things that shut people out.
Boundaries are a way for you to reclaim who you are and boundaries are about you saying, I will not do free labor for a system that erases me.
And there are some phrases that you can use to help you set boundaries:
You can simply say,
I'm not available for that.
You could say,
that's not mine to carry.
You could say,
I don't have capacity for this right now.
You could say,
I trust you to handle it.
Or you could say simply,
I won't be taking that on.
The thing with doing an invisible labor audit and getting to a point where you stop taking on invisible labor is to like slow down and make sure you are not giving what is known as the automatic yes. Right.
You can't say these phrases like I'm not available for that if you're so used to just automatically taking everything on and saying yes.
So if even saying those phrases feels like too far ahead for where you're at right now, I would say the first step even before exercising those phrases might be something as simple as taking like a sacred pause and slowing down and giving yourself a second to think about it.
Maybe do like a seven day challenge with yourself where you don't give any automatic yeses to anything and you allow yourself to just take a moment before giving a response.
Because if you can get out of the automatic yes and start saying like no to things, like every no to invisible labor winds up being a yes to your brilliance.
Every no to unpaid energy is a yes to your creativity and abundance. And every no to depletion is a yes to sovereignty.
And let's just take a moment to like draw this into the body and kind of put our somatic line in the sand.
If you're in a safe place to do this,
I want to invite you to place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly or your womb space or wherever feels called to be held.
And if it's safe to do so, close your eyes and just breathe.
and say out loud,
I release labor that is not mine.
I reclaim the energy that belongs to me.
I choose to sustain only what nourishes my brilliance.
And take a moment to feel that in your body.
And let your shoulders kind of fall away from your ears.
And let your breath deepen.
And let yourself remember what it feels like to not carry everyone else's life on your back.
And remember that this work is not theoretical.
It is necessary for survival.
And this work is ultimately about your sovereignty.
This Labor Day, I want you to remember, this holiday began with workers demanding dignity in an era where there was a rise of people, my great uncle included, taking a stand for workers' rights.
People literally took to the streets during this era and said, enough is enough.
And I want you to do the same. I want you to have had enough.
I want you to say,
I've had enough carrying invisible labor that depletes me.
I've had enough of proving my worth through over-functioning.
Enough of shrinking my brilliance to make other people feel comfortable.
Because the labor that you do in our very short lifetime is sacred.
Your energy is not disposable.
Your brilliance is not negotiable.
So today,
Honor yourself by putting something down.
Honor yourself by saying no, by reclaiming the space that was always meant to be yours.
If this episode lit a fire in you or touched you on some level that you didn't know you needed to be touched today, share it with another woman who may be caring too much.
Share it with someone who needs permission to put things down.
And if you, my love, are ready to take the next step in reclaiming your energy, your boundaries, your brilliance, then I want you to know that you are invited to book a private coaching session with me.
You'll find the link in the show notes.
Because Play Big Queens, we just don't labor indefinitely, invisibly. We don't just survive.
We thrive and we lead.
And no Play Big Queen who plays big, plays big alone.
We all at one point or another have needed somebody to tell us,
it's okay to put it down.
--
Okay, that's it for this episode of the Play Big Queen podcast. Thank you so much for sharing your time with me.
As always, eat the fruit, spit out the seeds, take what nourished you, keep what resonated for you, and leave the rest because ultimately, you know best.
This episode is over until next time, we can keep this thing going.
Go to xxxkatebailey.com, scroll to the bottom where it says, join our community, and get on the email list to get all the juicy details about all my offerings and where Play Big Queens play together online, on social media, and in person.
We've got a tight community of women claiming their boldest desires, celebrating wins, playing all out, fiercely standing for each other and going higher together.
Go to xxxkatebailey.com, put in your email address and confirm your subscription.
Once you're in, you'll get all the juicy guides, tips and inspirations and you'll get notified first about all the offers we have for all the big stuff we're doing over here. Go to xxxkatebailey.com to stay in the loop.
That's xxxkatebailey.com.
If you like what you heard in this podcast, subscribe, share it with your friends, and if you got something from this, I would appreciate some reviews and ratings. When you take the time to review the podcast, it helps our podcast get out to more women who need it.
If you haven't already, head over to iTunes and Spotify and show Play Big Queen some love.
Also, I want you to know that my door is always open and I will always make space for you to be heard and to honor your experience.
The views expressed in this podcast are through the lens of my personal identity and my own lived experience.
I am a European mix Mediterranean mutt who is an Italian Sicilian, cis heterosexual woman born in New York, experiencing the world in a white body as a multiply neurodivergent who lives in a neurodiverse and racially blended family.
And like everyone else, my one single perspective comes with its own limitations.
I have done personal and professional work around anti-racism, diversity, equity, equality, and inclusion.
I am not a therapist or doctor, and any coaching or advice cannot take the place of professional medical, mental health, or healing help.
However, that being said, what happens in my work is often a very powerful additional supplemental or alternative way to heal around identity work, mindset and emotional wellness.
Although I am not a licensed therapist, it is worth noting that in addition to being a mentor, I am trained and certified in emergency medicine and response. I have rendered care to over 20,000 patients in the course of my career.
I have taught over 15,000 students, many of which had learning disabilities that were undiagnosed and came from diverse cultural backgrounds.
I was also a private health college adjunct professor who was responsible for training medical professionals on how to respond to trauma and behavioral emergencies. If you approach me with any concern, you will be met with professionalism, compassion, understanding, support, and a readiness and a willingness to advocate for your needs.
That being said, sometimes I just get it wrong.
I am a human being on my own growth journey after all.
When I mess up, I'm always available for courageous and crucial conversation that makes way for growth and healing. Your experience and voice matters to me. I sincerely welcome any feedback you feel called to share.
You can email your comments or concerns to info at playbigqueen.com knowing that I am open to having any and all crucial conversations needed. Okay.
Remember, you are brilliant. Celebrate yourself. Value your own unique way and honor your own timing.
Because you can totally create a life and business that feels good and is successful on your terms.
Remember to release expectations of what you think your Play Big process should look like and be willing to do the work that needs to be done to Play Big.
But most of all, when you come face to face with your boldest desires, remember to trust yourself and Play Big Queen.
--
Hi, queen.
I see you're in it for the long game.
If you reach this part of the podcast episode, it means you're interested in learning more about my work, my values, my mission, and my community.
So let's go deeper together.
I am here to activate neurodivergent women to play bigger and to show you that you are so capable of doing big things and that if you value your own unique way and honor your own timing, you will learn to receive your boldest desires and so much more.
In my world, what makes you different is valued, celebrated, honored, and welcome. I welcome all who identify as female and non-binary folk in my Play Big Queens community.
We believe in and support LGBTQIA plus 2S, Black Lives Matter, women's and pro-choice rights, and obviously intersectional identities, including disabilities, neurodivergence, and religious beliefs.
Personally, I am pro sex worker rights, pro-Palestinian liberation, against Islamophobia, and against anti-Semitism, and I'm also against any cult-like religions that use beliefs as an excuse to indoctrinate people into abusive, autocratic systems.
Like many neurodivergent people, we have big hearts and a strong sense of social justice around here. You are encouraged to stay and play in our Play Big Queen community if you share these values. For those who find the word queen does not resonate.
Perhaps because of imperial associations, the Play Big self archetype can take any form and the invitation and activation remains the same. To learn to embody your Play Big self, to operate from love instead of fear, to go on a Play Big journey in community because you know that no Play Big queen can truly Play Big alone.
To decide to cultivate the courage to use your voice, unmask, reclaim, embrace and embody your brilliance and create a life and business that works with the unique way that you work. Through this work, you will come to know the truth of your brilliance deeply.
And as you come to know your authentic self, more and more will begin to open up for you. Knowing your unique brilliance will lead to great success and true belonging. In this world, we take the pressure off and learn to step off the traditional path so you can blaze your own trail.
My mission is to get you motivated, inspired, and equipped to get into massive action and go on your very own Play Big journey. My mission is to empower at least 10,000 women to fully step into their Play Big self by offering healing, transformative, inclusive, and neurodiverse-affirming coaching and content.
Through innovative coaching programs, courses, and master classes, we provide the tools, support, sustainability, and community needed to help each woman embrace her unique path to confidence, success, and meaningful impact.
If just 10,000 women with invisible disabilities and their allies were empowered with neurodiverse affirming and inclusive communication to express their unique brilliance, step into their authority and autonomy and lead,
the world would experience a profound shift towards inclusivity, innovation, and empathy. These women would break through societal limitations, modeling resilience, creativity, and strength of diversity.
Their voices and perspectives, often shaped by unique experiences with challenges and perseverance, would redefine business leadership, inspire systemic change, and create spaces where diverse ways of thinking are not just accepted, but celebrated.
Industries and communities would become more accessible and inclusive with practices that honor varied ways of working, communicating, and achieving. This change would ripple into every area of life and society.
Workplaces would become more adaptable, offering a culture of respect for individual strengths.
Health care and education systems would improve centering accessibility and compassion in their approaches and policies would evolve to better support those with invisible challenges benefiting society as a whole.
So many women with so much potential are shrinking in the face of their own brilliance, just sitting on the sidelines waiting for permission instead of getting in the game.
The activation of the latent potential in these women, their empowerment, making them visible would inspire others, reduce stigma around invisible disabilities, and encourage everyone to lead authentically.
Their successes will light the way for countless more women to rise, creating a culture of true diversity where every person feels valued, included, and emboldened to contribute their brilliance and lead with it.
If you know you are ready for more clarity, confidence, and you want to embody your play big self and be supported around creating the big vision for your life and business, then send me an email at info at playbigqueen.com telling me why this work is so important for you and we can explore opportunities to work together and make your Play Big dreams a reality.
