When the Expert Isn’t the Authority: Power, Help, and the Courage to Stay

When “Help” Crosses a Line

There’s something wild that happens when you reach out for help — especially when you’re sitting across from someone labeled the expert.
A therapist, a doctor, a mentor, a coach.

We’re taught to see expertise as authority.
But expertise doesn’t automatically make someone the authority on you.

And that’s what I want to talk about today — power dynamics in healing relationships, and the courage it takes to stay in your truth when you’re in a room with someone who’s supposed to have more answers than you do.

The Setup: EMDR and Self-Awareness

Recently, I started EMDR therapy again.
I’ve been through it before, but the truth is — past providers weren’t that great at it. They either didn’t understand trauma at a nervous system level or weren’t attuned enough to notice what was happening in my body.

So when I found someone with 25 years of experience specializing in complex trauma who offered EMDR via telehealth, I felt hopeful. When it’s done right, EMDR can be life-changing.

As someone living with cPTSD and a high rate of dissociation, that hope mattered.

For me, dissociation doesn’t just mean zoning out — it’s memory loss. Entire years of my life are missing. Some of that is trauma. Some of it is being AuDHD — my brain short-circuits when overstimulated. And some of it is simply how I’m wired. It’s physically harder for me to stay in my body.

That’s why embodiment work has become my life’s work.
It’s how I practice staying — with myself, with others, with discomfort. It’s how I reclaim presence.

And it’s also why my coaching work has such depth. People who’ve lived through darkness — trauma, addiction, loss — often have an extraordinary capacity for joy and aliveness. When you’ve touched both ends of the human experience, your range expands.

When Boundaries Get Pathologized

So here’s what happened.

I had an EMDR appointment booked months in advance. Then I found out my accounting final was scheduled the same day. My therapist also asked to move the session earlier, which meant losing an hour of sleep on exam day.

I reached out respectfully to reschedule — explaining my need for extra time to study, my financial constraints, and my preference to move the appointment a couple of weeks out. EMDR is expensive and out-of-network for me. It was a logistical and emotional boundary.

Their response? A masterclass in red flags.

“Katie, it is normal to feel anxiety before a first session.
Avoidance like this is part of what maintains trauma.
Let’s not keep kicking the can down the road.
It’s only an hour of your time :)
I hope to see you on Zoom tomorrow.”

It was condescending, dismissive, and entirely non–trauma-informed.

This happens far too often in therapy and coaching spaces where “helping” professionals come from a business-first mindset instead of a trauma-informed one.

Red Flag 1: Pathologizing Boundaries

I clearly explained my needs — academic and financial — and they reframed it as avoidance that maintains trauma.
Boundaries are not avoidance. They are resourcing and self-respect.

Red Flag 2: Assuming Emotional States

They told me I was “frazzled” and guessed at my past therapy experiences. That’s not empathy, that’s projection.

And calling me “Katie”? Infantilizing. I never introduced myself that way.

Red Flag 3: Dismissing Autonomy

“It’s only an hour.” That single sentence erases context — emotional labor, financial timing, safety.
Trauma-informed care means understanding that time, energy, and money are all parts of capacity.

Red Flag 4: Ignoring Financial Boundaries

I was honest about costs. They ignored it completely. That’s not care. That’s sales.

The Repair

I felt gross. Disappointed. And, honestly, triggered.

My boundaries were reframed as pathology. My self-awareness was interpreted through the therapist’s frustration instead of my reality.

But I didn’t ghost. I decided to stay and to name it.
I joined the call and opened with honesty:

“Before we start, I need to address something from our last exchange because it’s important to talk about directly.
My boundaries were misinterpreted as avoidance.
I need you to understand that my capacity, my resources, and my autonomy must be respected if we’re to work together.”

It wasn’t easy. But I said it.

And to their credit — they listened.
They didn’t get defensive. They apologized.
They said, “You’re right. I shouldn’t have assumed. I’ll be more curious next time.”

And you know what? That’s what shifted the relationship.

Repair is powerful. Real repair teaches your body that safety can exist inside connection — not just outside it.

The Bigger Lesson: When “Avoidance” Isn’t Avoidance

Too many therapists and coaches throw the word avoidance around like it’s a diagnosis instead of what it often is — a nervous system strategy.

Sometimes avoidance is wisdom.
It’s capacity.
It’s your body saying, not yet.

Spaces that over-pathologize avoidance aren’t trauma-informed — they’re replicating harm.
They confuse protection with resistance and reinforce the very shame survivors are trying to unlearn.

Being trauma-informed means knowing that boundaries aren’t barriers to healing — they are the structure that make healing possible.

Power, Courage, and Embodiment

When you’ve lived through trauma, power can feel like something that’s always taken or held over you.

But healthy power?
It’s shared. Co-created. Safe.

Courage doesn’t always look like leaving. Sometimes it’s staying long enough to name the rupture and see if repair is possible. Sometimes it’s saying,

“This didn’t feel right. Can we talk about it?”

Sometimes courage is giving someone the chance to rise and meet you — and discovering they can.

Final Reflection

Getting help doesn’t erase your wisdom.
It doesn’t cancel your authority over your own body or experience.

Experts can hold knowledge — but they don’t hold you.
You hold you.

Healing isn’t about who knows more. It’s about who knows you better.

You get to decide when to stay, when to leave, and when to rebuild.
You get to define what safe, empowered healing feels like in your nervous system.

Because your needs are not inconvenient.
Your boundaries are not barriers.
They are the framework that makes healing possible.

If This Resonates

If you’re ready to reclaim your energy and brilliance — to rise from self-doubt into embodied power — let’s begin your next chapter together.
👉 Book your Private Coaching Session